A Lover and a Potential Child, A Return to Normalcy, Love

MDMA is the scariest drug for me. Not only because I feel it is the most addictive, but because rapid and prolonged use is associated with less white matter in the brain and altering of the receptors.

Every time, before I take MDMA, I end up looking at the dose for at least 15 minutes. It has become a ritual for me.

The first reason I do this is because I don't have a good scale that can measure such small doses - I end up eye-balling it. The other reason is that on MDMA I tend to do things that I otherwise wouldn't do (but perhaps should). Things I am too scared to do sober.

This time was no different - I again stared at the crystals for around 20 minutes, before dissolving the substance in a glass of water and drinking it. (I find this method of ingestion more pleasant)

On the picture you can see the drug test. The black color indicates MDMA/MDA

I started to feel more mindful. I walked carefully. I was feeling the effects.

I started to do yoga movements: stretches on the bed. I twisted myself in all sorts of poses, including one resembling "Bridge", except my head was under my body and the weight of my body was on top of it. Perhaps it doesn't sound nice, but it felt great. I was doing these movements unconsciously, only when I reached the desired asana, I would realise I was "there".

These stretches that I do on drugs are the main reason I got into yoga. I highly doubt I am the only one who does that, even though we know that pre-modern yoga poses are sitting poses and are very different from the modern practice.

I vacuumed a bit because the dust started to bother me.

So many things started to come back to me:

- I need to take better care of myself, and that includes cleaning and tidying the flat.
- I needed to go back to the Yoga studio because it is good for me physically and makes me feel connected to society. (I wrote "YOGA" in my notebook in giant capital letters spanning the whole page)
- That I need to eat mindfully, and not just stuff my face while watching YouTube videos.

I was also afraid that Molly will leave me, because I believe drugs lessen their effects if the people taking the drugs (the students) don't integrate the lessons from these trips. I had this happen to me with weed, and I needed to write down what weed tough me, make offerings to it (burning it without smoking it), and think deeply about it, before weed returned to me again. Given that I have clearly forgotten to implement the lessons of Molly, I was fearing that Molly would leave me.

Not only I don't fear the MDMA being bad for me, but I am reminded why it is good for me - because I find pleasure in breathing. I was taking big breaths of air. I remember thinking that this is how I should breathe. Perhaps this is why the dust was bothering me just 30 minutes ago - I wanted to breathe clean air. I opened the windows.

I find myself the desire to be flexible and healthy. I wanted to be strong. I started making handstands and yoga poses like Bakasana.

Also I had the weird thought to test my programming skills - for science. I felt tremendously concentrated. In the end, the desire to orient the experience towards myself grew stronger.

When I am on Molly I (and many others) often reach out to friends and family because we want to tell them we love them.

Instead of writing to them I made a list in my notebook:

- I wanted to make a new friend from this psychedelics group I joined.
- I wanted to tell my lover how I felt about her (proud) and that she was important to me.
- I wanted to reconnect with people from the yoga studio.
- I wanted to reconnect with old friends just to catch up on their lives.
- I felt my sister was lonely, because she was sending me a lot of messages lately. I made a note to arrange a video call with her.
- I wanted to reconnect with my friends from my home country

In the middle of the list, I wrote "It is normal to think about death and your health. Drugs bring you closer to death. They are dangerous. You should be careful."

My attention was also brought towards people who have inflicted pain on me. I found myself whispering or shouting "FUCK YOU" only to quickly let go of the feeling of pain and forgive them, and even feel a bit embarrassed by my reaction. I was hoping my neighbors didn't hear me. The Molly was allowing me to feel these berried feelings while still giving me the empathy towards the people.

At some point I though how the whole human race is connected in a capitalist system. "Capitalism is a system of satisfying the needs" I though we should evolve into another people-oriented (not need-oriented) system. "Connecticon" came to mind.

I had ringing in my ears and my hands were very stiff. My jaw was also stiff but I fixed it by moving it left to right.

I realized i can move my fingers with ease when i bring my conscious mind to it. I started rotating my wrists and every time they made a rotation, a spike of "needles" will shoot out throughout my arms as if I was Spider man shooting webs. It felt good to rotate my wrists and stretch my fingers. I think the molly was trying to tell me to move my wrists in order to increase my dexterity.

When I lied down and closed my eyes I had visions of black and white. It was very similar to one of the changing styles of an LSD hallucination, when objects are striped to their bare essential shapes and are crisp beyond anything I can ever "see" sober.

It was me and my lover in the middle of a road on a hill. There was a luxurious villa at the end of the road / the top of the hill, and it was somehow suggested to me that it was a "home" or "success". I said out loud (but also to her) "I live moment for moment" meaning "we are here now, we are not in the villa".

After I said that I saw an image of a child. I was confused who that was, but then I recognized some of my lover's facial features in the child's face. I understood that it was our child.

Shortly after the visuals, the effects rapidly lessened. I checked 3 or 4 times (likely due to a subconscious fear of being outside high) that I have my keys, phone and wallet with me. I took the recycling trash out (I should've done that a long time ago - it was overfilling the paper bag it was in, but once again Molly forced me to take care of myself) and headed out.

On the way I met an acquaintance from the yoga studio. We had a brief chat but then he said he needs to go to catch the class. I shouted "We should chat sometime" after him, to which he didn't react. I don't think he suspected I was high.

I went to the supermarket and returned beer-bottles and bought broccoli for my dinner. Then I went to the amphitheater and lied on the bench, watching the clouds and birds fly over me, listening to Sevdaliza. (Sevdaliza is great when on acid or Molly, btw...) It was great. I felt in no rush to go home, I just wanted to enjoy the weather and the green spaces of Prague.

No noticeable aftereffects. I used to feel amazing the day after taking Molly, but I don't feel that anymore.

I need to take care of myself

I had a very rough childhood. Putting it mildly, there was no love for me. Gradually I learned to love myself, but I still have work to do.

I wrote in my notebook:

What I need is not Molly - I need afternoons where I lie in bed and think these thoughts. Thoughts of friends and strangers.

Afternoons in which I can explore my darkest thoughts and fears. Learn about myself.

I realise I am not sick - I am able to feel.

Crying is not the only way to express sadness. Make music and / or whimper.

I am now sitting in a cafe finishing up this report.

I did write to my friends. I already booked a yoga class. (Haven't been in months) I committed to eating without watching YouTube videos for a week. (let's hope it sticks) I will also try to keep my flat clean and tidy.

I will leave you with one last thing I wrote in my notebook. Interpret it as you will:

Drugs are a return to normalcy