Being with Myself

Before going on the trip, I prepared myself by avoiding caffeine and alcohol and on keeping myself calm. I went to a yoga class a few days before. I booked a retreat a month in advance so I could plan appropriately.

I wrote down some questions that have been going through my mind recently, and I wrote some affirming statements that I could look at if I felt the trip was getting out of hand. i am seeing a therapist and this week he gave me advice to breathe and ground myself if I start feeling to far gone, and that I should give myself permission to do things. I alsogo advice from a friend to bring things that will comfort me. I will make sure to keep this advice in mind.

Arriving at my location, I felt good. I was ready for bed before 10 PM. But then I heard the festival and couldn’t sleep until after midnight when it stopped. I also woke up too early, at 5:30 AM, and couldn’t properly get back to sleep because of the light. I wished I had my eyeshades and sandals.

Then in the morning when I attempted to use the power bank it wasn’t working. I contacted my host since I had very low battery — but after some deliberation since I didn’t want to be disturbed this day. I wondered whether I should postpone the experience or forget it altogether.

But since I had nothing better to do, I went ahead and took it anyway. I had two tabs but just took one, thinking I could have the other one when the phone stuff was sorted.

While I had the acid in my mouth I got a text message from my host saying I could charge my phone at the hut up the hill, where her daughter was staying. I debated whether to do it but thought, better now than later. So once the acid had dissolved in my mouth I went up the hill and handed my phone over to my host’s daughter.

I went down the hill and into the caravan, not feeling that much at first. I waited for a while and wondered if it was going to work at all, and maybe it was because I anticipated a visit from my host. I resolved to take the other tab once the host visited and I had my phone back.

Eventually, though, it started to kick in with the heightened audiovisual perception. I lay down and the journey began.

The first thing I remember is a stimulating feeling in my sex. At first I thought I was a woman but I rather felt like I had a hard cock and was fucking women. I felt such desire for women and their uniquely feminine attributes, and I was fucking one, then another, then another. But it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I wanted sex so much and I couldn't quite find release. I wasn't anyone I knew but felt like this was someone who may have slept in this hut before. Eventually I must have found some release, for my self dissolved for a moment -- I was no one -- and I found myself thinking of a friend who sent me a message after a long silence the previous night, and of another friend who had hurt her wrist a couple weeks back and who was going through a hard time. I lay with my right arm limp, as if it too was hurt, and I felt frustrated and a bit sad. Though this was still when I lacked a sense of self for I forgot her name, I was just her.

At some point I had neon visuals of dark silhouettes dancing. Kind of like those iPod commercials except the neon colors were outlining the silhouettes, and the people looked more cartoonish. I thought of my phone immediately and wondered, is this what my trip would be about? Being without my phone? Perhaps I had unconsciously given it away on purpose so I wouldn't have to think about it. I had no idea when it would be returned to me but I thought, I don't need it today. I can get it back tomorrow.

I tried going to get the phone twice. The first time, I went up the hill and no one was there. It was eerily quiet. I didn't even see the animals. I saw the keys in the door and considered going inside to get them, but when I opened the gate and stepped through, I hesitated. It didn't feel right to go inside without permission. So I turned back and returned to the caravan.

I have trouble remembering things in sequence at points, but in between the first and second time I attempted to retrieve my phone I dipped back into a more intense episode. I had the door wide open and sat on the bed, observing myself. My hands and feet aged before my eyes, and I heard the noise of insects get louder. The color of my pale feet and my nail polish against the carpet especially struck me. I felt that I'm dying, I'm dead, and went limp. But this only lasted for about a second since I breathed and realized I was alive after all. The veiny old hands and feet disappeared.

At another point I closed my eyes and had visions of rainbows and white light. It felt divine.

I also had something to eat. The crackers had a strong taste and the hummus tasted especially creamy, like cheese. I said to myself, if I can get this taste this way, I can be vegan. I didn't eat a lot.

I should mention that there was some underlying anxiety in the beginning, and in between the first and second trips up the hill. I felt anxiety and fear bubble up and me and felt things go off. The noises and light changed so that I felt bad. When I was afraid I was losing it I grabbed hold of something and told myself that it's okay, and the feeling went away.

The sound of a car approaching brought me back to awareness of the outside world. I told myself to act normal and put my shoes on to go up the hill. I saw a car go down near the pond and a young man got out. I had no idea what they were doing but went on my way instead of investigating. The young men's voices echoed in the air as I walked up the hill, the day bright and sunny, and for a moment it looks like there is nothing at the top, creating an eerie sense of absent people, especially with the echoy voices. But then the garden came into view and I saw several cars, not just one. A bunch of people were sitting around a table but I didn't recognize anyone. Suddenly, someone waved at me from inside and I waved back. It was my host, handing my phone back to me. She went back for some sponges as well and I thanked her.

With my phone back in my hands, having successfully interacted with people, I felt triumphant, like a hero successfully completing a quest.

And now that my phone was fully charged, I could do what I’d been hoping to do before: listen to music.

I returned to the caravan and put on the headphones. I had been playing Mamiffer's album The Brilliant Tabernacle on the way there, and just pressed play on the track I'd left off. Track 3, I think. The experience of listening to this album, which I hadn't listened to in probably years, was intense. At moments I felt incredibly happy, laughing and even screaming -- during one track, which mentions God, I felt that religious ecstasy some people have during worship. And in other tracks, I felt fear and pain -- the pain of being born, of living, of watching the atomic bomb go off. I wept and screamed at all the agony that living brings. So much suffering and destruction. But also joy. At moments it was so intense I had to remove the headphones.

When the album finished, I took off my headphones and some time to recover from the emotions I'd just worked through. Sitting on the bed, I was longing so much for companionship but knew I couldn't have it. I felt so lonely.

Again I'm not sure what happened next, but at some point I had some more food -- only a little bit -- and looked at my phone but quickly got bored. I felt an intense boredom, brought on in part by the heat for at this point it was after 3:00 PM and therefore the hottest part of the day. I lay on the bed thinking about what to do but I didn't want to do any of the possible activities. I thought about taking the second tab but decided against it, since I would be taking it to avoid boredom. I had decided to take the acid anyway despite my mood earlier because I didn't want to feel bored. Well, I ended up feeling bored anyway.

I picked up the flyswatter and wove it around like a wand, feeling delight at the swishing sound it was making. I also did some poses and clapped my hands against various parts of my body, interested in the sounds I was making.

I got up and looked around the caravan and picked up the copper teapot, briefly examining myself. It wasn't until later that I realized that I took such an interest in the teapot because it was the only surface in which I could see myself. I put the teapot down and looked around again, and it clicked -- the inside was so nice because everything matches! The furniture and color coordination was clearly done by someone with a good eye for interior decoration.

Around this time I was talking with myself. I was two people -- the child me and the caregiver me, who has to make sure that I would be okay. Throughout the entirety of my trip I told myself some things and debated with myself about other things. One major recurring topic was food. I had too much food, and I wondered why did I always have to take too much food. I was eating like a child, taking only a few bites of something before moving on to something else for my hunger and attention did not demand that I eat the whole thing at once. I realized that I had done something good for me unconsciously -- give my phone away so I wouldn't have to think about it -- and done something not so good consciously (bringing too much food). Why did I do this?

Related to the phone, I was constantly creating meaning from it. My hosts were withholding it on purpose to make sure I wasn't distracted by it. They were waiting for me because I would come when I was ready. Or they were waiting for me because I wasn't important and I would have to announce my presence for them to remember they had my phone in the first place.

All throughout the day, planes flew overhead. Almost every time I heard one, my feelings took a turn for the worse. It was hard for me to say if it was the noise or what was going on inside, since it seemed like there were so so so many planes. A tleast some of them were real though. Just as often the plane sound would be followed by faint sounds of the festival, which may or may not have been hallucinations. sometimes it was probably real since it started at 11:00. I wondered why i didn't hear the festival that much when that was all I heard the night before.

At one point, looking through the doorway as if through a portal, the grass started to undulate and I felt like I was on a ship, floating. It was fun until it got uncomfortable, and then everything returned to relative stillness.

I was lying on the bed and reached out beside me. I felt lonely. I wondered if I had a match out there. But no one really does. Then I started feeling sexual again and was sucking off an imaginary dick, then licking an imaginary clitoris. I wanted my vulva to get proper attention. I hoped it looked attractive. What is attractive about a vulva to men? Anything about its appearance?

I wondered why I couldn't let myself relax. Well, it was because I had to take care of myself. I wrote down in my notebook, slowly and deliberately, "I am taking care of myself."

All throughout the afternoon, every time I went outside I felt how hot it was in the sun compared to in the shade. I was only wearing a dress, showing a lot of skin, so I felt cool with all the sweat able to evaporate without getting much of it on my clothes.

At some point I went outside and headed for the gazebo, but didn't like it much there since the one wall blocked 360-degree airflow, and walked into some nearby woods.

I was immediately struck by how dry everything was. The trees were mostly pines and the ground was totally brown. Some of the trees had red dots on them, presumably marking them for destruction. I saw some blue light in the gaps between the trees and made my way there, and the view was pretty nice, but the clearing that made that view possible wasn't. It all looked pretty sad. This forest was sad. A lot of forests are sad, I thought. Bothered by the heat and dryness I cried out, "We need rain!" but the sky was blue and there were only a few whispy white clouds.

On the way back I saw some bugs zooming through the sky. I imitated them, with my arms out and running through the field. I stopped to watch some butterflies eating from the flowers.

I found my way back to the caravan and started feeling bored again. I wrote some things down in the notebook I had brought, returning to this question of why I took care of myself in some good ways but also in some not so good ways. I didn't quite find the answer yet. Only I wondered, how do I know what is not good for me?

I ate some more food, but only a little bit. I had brought some vegan sausage and noticed the meaty taste of the mushroom. Again, I thought, I can be vegan just fine, the taste of animal products is not important to me.

When I was eating some salad, I noticed two lamps sitting next to each other on a bench. I thought of my boyfriend and me. I went over to the lamps and saw that one had stars while the other had flowers. Masculine and feminine.

I looked at my hands again and they appeared very young and fresh.

Speaking of flowers, I remembered that I wanted to look at my vulva, and so I went inside and took off my clothes to inspect. At first I recoiled, exclaiming that it looks so weird. There was pink but also purple, and I opened and closed it to examine the folds and inner linings. I was at first a little weirded out but then wound up fascinated. I couldn't believe I had never properly examined my vulva before. I should know what it looks like in case something is wrong. Does it look normal? I decided to look it up later since the idea of using the phone didn't appeal to me.

After eating, I went up the hill to the animal pasture, where they were eating. they seemed to be eating really fast, acting anxiously. I wondered why they had to be so anxious. Could animals be anxious?

It was still pretty hot and only after 6:00 PM so I decided to go to the lake for a swim. I had brought a swimsuit but didn't bother putting it on before going out. I brought some water with me but that was it. Once I got to a turn in the path, I stopped and wondered if I should go back. I didn't have my swimsuit. It was far. I had my glasses, where would I put them? But I kept going, until I stopped again. The same questions kept me from going back. The third time, I even turned around and went back quite a ways before deciding to go towards the water again. Though I feared meeting someone on the wooded path, I longed so much to immerse myself in water, to swim. So I pushed myself to keep going.

But the fourth time, feeling like I was nowhere near the lake still, and realizing I would have to also walk back, I turned around and walked back for good. Sometimes I just couldn't have what I wanted. I thought of asking my boyfriend if we could go to a spa next weekend.

I decided to check the pond again f it was swimmable. But there were too many bugs and it was green. The water did not look inviting at all. So I decided to just take a shower.

The shower was set up outside so I was naked, but no one could see me. Since it was so hot I didn't dry off and stayed naked for a while. It felt natural, not sexual at all. I could hear the festival again and danced in the doorway, where I could best hear the music. While I was still naked I examined my vulva again, noticing that it was more purple now. But it might have been the fading light.

I wished I had sandals. I didn't want to have to put socks and shoes on to go outside. While thinking about this I made a connection with the food -- I was too focused on survival and not enough on how to make my life better. I didn't need a lot of food, but having sandals would make my experience here better. I wrote this down -- not immediately, but not long after this realization.

It was much easier to hear the festival music now. And there weren't so many planes. Probably because it was so late. But maybe the wind had changed.

Suddenly the song sounded familiar. I got up and listened, my memory jogging for recognition of the melody. Then they got to the refrain and I danced with joy to the song, and the one following after. When the band stopped I put my headphones on and listened to the song on YouTube, dancing in the yard like no one was watching.

Tiring myself out from that, I rested for a bit and had a little bit of food, but inside felt too confining so I went back outside, this time to be near the menhir stones. I sat on a bench near one of the rocks and sat listening to the festival. Here, higher up on the hill, it was much easier to hear it. I felt good and at ease. Clouds had gathered by the time I had come back to the caravan, and so it was already getting dark.

Then, raindrops. And more raindrops. Rain was coming! I was so happy I cried out, Rain! Yes rain! I felt such relief, feeling the raindrops hit my body. Perhaps I had summoned it by calling out for it earlier. Probably not though, we humans make meaning only after the fact. I was so pleased I walked in the rain for a while, but then it started raining harder so I went back to the caravan.

Since it was really getting dark now, I brushed my teeth and used the toilet. I saw flashes of lightning so I did my best t hurry (not easy when taking a drug that slows you down since your movements are usually more deliberate). There were some lights I could see in the distance between the trees which made me nervous. I thought of aliens observing me and tried to hide from them.

Then it started storming, so I closed the door once I was ready for bed. I couldn't hear the festival anymore. I started feeling anxious again. I moved things around the room and lit a candle. But before long I went to bed, since there wasn't anything else to do.

The visuals started kicking in again. Bu I was interrupted several times. I heard some strange noises so I was feeling scared and opened the door to investigate. It was just water dripping. I heard an insect buzzing around and at first I tried to kill it but I couldn't find it so gave up. I had visions of many insects, lined up like specimens, and realized that insects too are anxious creatures, that maybe the buzzing noises I was hearing were manifestations of my anxious thoughts. Then I had one such anxious thought that was making me scared again, and this time I decided to let it happen and -- nothing. It went away. so much of my anxiety was over nothing. People and animals are all minding their own business and don't want to hurt me.

I thought about death, and what my boyfriend had said about people being afraid of pain. That's what I was really afraid of. Afraid of pain.

Other visuals I had were of a dark quality -- the environment tends to color the visuals I have as well. I had lit a chocolate-scented castle and I briefly thought of a pool of chocolate. I felt thirsty so had visions of water, plunging into a pool. I had more visions of breasts and buttocks, couples dancing, visions of many different attractive women, but attractive by their style and attitude rather than sexuality. Then I had visions of death -- first, harmless cartoonish gothy visions, then a man with many skulls who plunged me in a black hole.

I thought that meant it was over. That's why I kept seeing Death when my trips were ending. But actually, it wasn't. I had more visions of women, and yet another vision of Death -- this time as a really scary male figure with a disfigured face and a crooked arm. Actually this moment might have been when I had the realization that I was afraid of pain and then was no longer bothered by the bugs. Though they were probably still there.

I think I had some more visions but it was getting late, and my tiredness was growing, which gave some visions a vignette quality -- as my consciousness faded, the visions faded too. It felt like a long time before I fell asleep, which came on suddenly, like blacking out.

I woke up before my alarm the next morning, and though I still thought about what I had to do before leaving, I didn't get up right away. But I was bothered enough by it that I got up and had breakfast after half an hour. But after breakfast it started to rain so I lay down again, which was nice.

I go ready to go and cleaned up the caravan, which was very satisfying. By the time I was ready to go the sky had cleared, and the walk was warm and pleasant. I loved the countryside, which was so quiet now, with only the wind through the trees and the occasional birdsong and cow mooing interrupting it. The day was bright, the fields expansive so you could see for miles, the clouds' moving shadows. I stopped to take in the view of the field a couple times, and watched some cows watching me. I sang a made up song about this beautiful country which I have chosen to call home.

I reflected on how I can't seem to relax when by myself. Part of this is probably because I inhabit a female body, which in this world makes me immediately more vulnerable. But I thought there must be some women out there who are totally okay being alone. I felt like there is something more to why I can't let myself go when I'm alone -- or at least, when I'm alone outside of home.

I experienced some afterglow, noticing how the movement of clouds brought light between the trees suddenly, like a light had switched on; on the train the trees and bushes by the tracks blurred past in lines of yellow and green. My attention felt heightened when I came back. But it is easy to fall back into old habits.

More than two days after the experience, my anxiety has not been cured. But I don't feel so anxious to do anything. Actually, I feel tired. I am reflecting on what I learned from the experience, and believe that my anxiety tries to get me to avoid pain -- but if I let it take control, I end up feeling pain anyway.

The lessons I'm taking away from this experience so far are thus: I should try not to avoid pain. I should also put more energy into what can make my life better -- whether that is some material goods like new sandals or clothes, or an activity like a spa day or swimming, or an experience, or a direction in life. More realizations may come as I share this experience with others.