Seeing and Feeling for the First Time. Connecting With My Inner Child. Becoming my Authentic Self. Writing Again. My Comfort Zone.

Overview

Timeline

• Preparation

  No preparation

  T-5m

  No preparation

  I didn't do anything to prepare for the experience. I had a half-smoked joint from my previous flatmate. I waited for my current flatmates to go out and went to the window in the kitchen so the smoke doesn't come inside.

• Dose

  0.025 grams of Cannabis

  T+0m

  0.025 grams of Cannabis

  It is very hard to say how much weed I smoked in terms of grams, but I took exactly one or two tokes from the joint. I needed extremely little to get high when I first started smoking.

• Come up

  Increased Sense of Beauty, Smell and Taste

  T+3m

  Increased Sense of Beauty, Smell and Taste

  Very quickly I felt the effects. It was as if I was seeing for the first time. I noticed how beautiful the world was. I became acutely aware of the texture of the wall belonging to the neighboring building. I became fascinated by the gravels and the patterns they were forming.
  
  To me this effect was unusual, because for years I wasn't able to see any beautify in the world. I was living in a fog or bubble. But I will get to that later.
  
  When I returned my attention to the kitchen, I became fascinated by the tastes and smells of various foods and drinks. I remember being amazed by how amazing this honey-and-orange-flavored whiskey smelled. I could easily smell both the honey and the orange and the beautiful bouquet of smells they were forming. I had not idea my sense of smell was that good. It was as if I could smell for the first time.

• Peak

  The Voice of a Toddler

  T+5m

  The Voice of a Toddler

  A few minutes in, I heard a very clear and loud voice in my head. It wasn't my inner voice, but it felt strangely familiar. It was screaming with excitement and joy. "YEEEES! YEEEEES! FINALLY! TIME TO PLAAAAY!"
  
  I couldn't believe it. There was nothing that provoked me to have this reaction. It was coming from somewhere deep within me. I very quickly understood that this was the voice of my inner child.
  
  I am not sure exactly when did I figured it out, but hearing this voice was perhaps one of the most impactful moments in my life. I grew up in a restrictive environment - expression and having any sorts of feelings was discouraged. The voice represented a dormant part of the brain finally activating, now that it was allowed to. With no figures of authority around, I could be playful, emotional and express myself any way I like.
  
  (On an unrelated note, this episode reinforces the well-known and understood idea that Mindset and Setting play an incredibly important role given that I have smoked weed before and never had a reaction even remotely resembling this one.)

• Peak

  My Authentic Self

  T+10m

  My Authentic Self

  At this point in my life I had a lot of issues. I was going to therapy, because one day I could not find the motivation to do even the simplest tasks at work. I had no idea why I was doing that, given that not working created an incredible anxiety relating to my performance and imminent firing. I did not feel good in my skin, nor I felt I was living a life authentic to myself.
  
  I liked, however, the flat I lived in. My flat was looking towards the botanical garden. There was, between me and the garden, a house/apartment complex with a roof where I would sometimes see people sunbathing and catering the plants. After I heard the voice of the toddler, I went to my desk and sat in the chair overseeing the house. This time I saw myself on that roof. Except it was suggested to me, the way you intuitively know in a dream how, for example, someone is someone else or something is something else, that the person on the roof was, in fact, my authentic self.
  
  Immediately upon seeing my authentic self on the roof, the authentic self started floating in the air towards me, and quickly merged with me.
  
  Immediately after that I felt and saw in my inner eye a connection between my past, current and future self.
  
  I would sometimes think about the vulnerable / misunderstood / hurt / unloved child I was and liked to imagine I am sending love and understanding to my past self. I found this exercise healing. This time it was different, because there was also my future self sending love to my current self and my current self was sending love to my future self. (The love is always represented by a white light connecting our bodies)
  
  I interpret this as an important reminder to take care of my current self by exercising and eating well, because this is how I was also take care of my future self. However I am deeply certain there are many other possible reasons I was seeing this. Let me know in the comments if you have other interpretations or ideas.
  

• Peak

  The Story of my Grandfather

  T+1h

  The Story of my Grandfather

  I had, at that point in time, adopted the identity of a writer. I think this identity suits introverted, brainy, sensitive people with a tendency for social anxiety as it offered a way to connect to others in a safe and curated way.
  
  The problem was that, for many years, I didn't write anything. Nothing. This was also part of the reasons why I was not feeling like I was living an authentic life, as I had to occasionally ask myself "How can you be a writer if you are not writing?"
  
  For my surprise, immediately after the past/current/future self love-connection episode, I opened the Notes app and started typing.
  
  I speedily typed full, complex and coherent sentences, without stopping to edit or reread. I wrote a whole essay about my deceased grandfather. It was deeply personal account of the miserable environment I lived in, how my grandfather's sickness was detrimental to my childhood and how his death felt like a relief to me.
  
  I was writing again. And it was not hard, but so easy and seamless. I had an incredible desire to get back to writing, to express myself with words.

• Peak

  The Comfort Zone

  T+2h

  The Comfort Zone

  After I wrote the essay I lied down on the bed and closed my eyes.
  
  I saw myself in a gray bubble. There was an opening in the bubble and I peaked through it. A flurry of colors and emotions swept me. I felt scared and went back into the bubble. It was suggested to me, again, in a dream-like intuitive fashion, that in order for me to feel, I needed to get out of the bubble.
  
  This episode was also deeply important and influential as it manifested an uncomfortable truth that I didn't want to face: I was living withing the confines of my comfort zone, and that I avoided to feel anything.
  
  It was also suggested to me that the outside world was the world of emotions - that they are scary, but in order to be truly alive I needed to get outside of this bubble of no feelings.
  
  It cut to the heart of my problems - that I was too scared to chase my dreams, to connect with people, that I always chose the safest path for myself. I lived locked in a house, I avoided social interactions. That, while I was keeping myself safe, I was also living a life of loneliness and unfulfilled potential.

• Aftereffects

  The Next Days

  T+3d

  The Next Days

  This experience was my real introduction to drugs. It left a deep mark on my life and showed me how powerful drugs are.
  
  I shared my experience with my therapist and he helped me piece together the meaning behind everything that happened. I highly recommend weed and therapy - they go very well together. I also recommend using the Psychonaut Guide for writing down what happens in your trips - this is perhaps the second best thing to sharing the experience with a licensed psychotherapist. (or maybe it is the best ;))
  
  It is important to note that I don't think weed alone is responsible for the powerful mystical experience I had. I was working on myself for years and the experience was a culmination of that effort. Weed helped me create the right metaphors instrumental for accepting and integrating the uncomfortable, yet beautiful truths about myself.

• Integration

  Bad Boy

  T+365d

  Bad Boy

  Being bad is not bad. It is necessary. Everyone must rebel against their parents and become their own person. Counterintuitively at first, we should take care of our own needs first, before we can truly take care of others. It makes sense when you live it.
💬 Comment

Cancel Submit

Comments

Log in to comment.

There aren't any comments yet.